Numbers

by Tricia DeVries

Seven, the number of times I’ve met my hero Poppy Harlow. Fifteen, the amount of years I’ve spent with my perfect husband Tim. Twenty-One, the age I left Columbia and was thrust into the “real world.” Twenty-Two, the age I left the “real world” and jumped back into graduate school. Thirty, this is how many times I’ve been published in Newsweek. Forty-Eight, the number of states I visited in 2006. Although I believed I had concocted the perfect collection of winning numbers, I once again found myself a dollar closer to bankruptcy outside the Mega Millions stand this Thursday evening.

Tricia DeVries is an English major at UCLA and does not have a gambling problem.

Photograph

by Alan Somers

The plan was quite simple; Jack and his sister were to meet in the foyer exactly twenty-five minutes after their parents retired to bed. Once they heard the sound of Santa arriving, Jack would snap the photo and the two siblings would sprint back upstairs to their beds. The next day they’d upload their treasure to a shared MySpace page and await the glorious paparazzi wealth to pour in. Unfortunately, what amounted for the Turner children was a wealth of bashings from Dr. Turner as they discovered the true identity of St. Nick, the immoderately stressed allopathic physician, (AKA dad).

Alan Somers is a Chicago-based writer for "The Onion" and is honored to be writing our very first REJECTED MEMOIR.